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Jesus Fucking Christ History, Will You Please Stop Fucking Happening??

Ok history, I'm going to level with you, I'm exhausted. I'm completely fucking exhausted. It's been fun. It's been a blast, it really has. Lehman Brothers collapsing (and my job getting canceled on the same day), that was a smart move. You've got to throw the cat amongst the pigeons every once in a while, and goddammit history, that really did the trick. You put the wind up me. It takes a lot of guts to do that and I respect you for it. Also the whole first ever black president thing. That I can relate to! Christ's vagina that was a hell of a ride. I thought the old white prick was going to take it right up to the fucking wire but you came out on top history and we all loved you for it.

Now what the fuck have you gone and done in India? I'm fucking serious. Can you please explain this shit heap of a mess to me?? It's not the carnage. It really isn't. Everyone understands that you've got to cut loose once in a while. Go wipe out some plane load of idiots or whatever. Go crash a school bus. Go have your fun history, no one's going to hold it against you. I'll be laughing right along with you. No one gives a shit... But history... History. What the fuck? You go Colombine on Mumbai. You bring down the global financial system. You keep on with all the same old shit happening in Baghdad. You make the French the only European economy not in recession (the fucking FRENCH???). You restart the genocide in Africa. You burn down California (again). You let a bunch of foreigners in the G20 meetings. And you smite Heath fucking Ledger in the prime of his life. All in the same year. And it's accelerating. Just take a fucking break for one goddamn second history! Cut this shit out. I'm exhausted already!

Let's have one week, just one fucking week, where we can drive our stupid fucking cars around without caring about the smog, and eat pizza on disposable polystyrene plates and get back to pretending the Chinese don't exist. I want to enjoy the boredom and misery of my life for one day, without the haunting premonition of my future self thinking how lucky I used to be, before all this shit started hitting the fan.

I want to go back to the 90's. I want to see Michael Jackson caring for cancer stricken kids and not feel remotely concerned about it! I want to hang out in New Orleans before it became a national monument to how little the country cares about black people. I want to visit the world trade center and think guiltlessly about how it's stuffed to the gills with rich, white pricks.

So please. History. Just stop fucking happening already. How about it? How about you make my fucking day?

An open letter to history,
HCowling

China: not ready for Guns 'n' Roses

The Chinese government's wonderfully Chinese put down of Axl Rose's new album: perfectly illustrative of the West/East power drift, and entirely worthy of a post in its own right.

So Good, It's Shit

Oh wow. I lack the vocabulary to describe how bad this film is. Just some important things to note: 1)The creators are apparently 100% serious, you can read their miserable excuses here. 2)The 'whiskey' bottle, they are sipping from and wincing, is filled with apple juice.

Thank you tlg

Zune Shits a Mighty Spray of Liquid Genius

Give a monkey a typewriter and enough time, and eventually...the idiots behind Zune's advertising have finally struck gold. This easily makes up for all the shite, pointless, wanky Zune 'virals' I've accidentally clicked on. I'm sure the people behind this are currently lined up in front of a Microsoft firing squad. I'd love to be there to witness their last act of defiance... it would almost certainly involve pooping of some description.

Cop Tases Self

We live in a post-religious world where God has the good grace not to matter anymore, unless you're an American politician. However, few things will restore your faith in a benevolent higher power quite like watching this video of a cop tasing itself. Thank you Jesus.